I don’t like talking about my struggles. In fact, I actively pretend that I have no struggles.
I’ve been sorting my thoughts out for this newsletter for a while. I’m aware I have not written a newsletter in a while. Here’s the thing: I’ve been having a lot of trouble writing, and even on good days, newsletters are my least favourite thing to do.
Ever.
I have nothing to say and I’m not that interesting.
(My mom is gonna read this, and she’s going to call me to yell at me. So will the six other women who call themselves my mom.)
(Why I have so many people in my life who think they’re my mother is a mystery. I think I give off “confused baby” energy.)
I have had two books come out in the past two years. Dead Dead Girls came first, and Harlem Sunset came second.
I love writing, and I love the world I’ve created. The people in them are mostly amazing, and it’s my absolute joy to be able to do the thing my eight-year-old self wanted to do. How many people get to grow up and say that they’re doing the thing they dreamed of as a kid?
But real talk?
Sometimes writing sucks.
Hear me out: I should have had a book come out last month. This is a book you can actually already preorder and add to your goodreads because it should have been out by now. But it’s not done. I’m CLOSE, but I feel like I’ve rewritten this book ninety times and now I’m in a place where I don’t want to put out a bad book but I also want this book done and also I’m tired.
And it really sucks. (I’m too tired to try to think about a new synonym for sucks. And also, ‘sucks’ really sums up what I’m feeling.)
I’m also lost. I’m in the part of the process where all I’m seeing is trees. I’m not really that tall, so I’m just seeing hundreds of trunks and no forest. I’m going over every little detail and while I think what I’m writing is a good book, I cannot be sure.
The initial drafts of my first two books came around fast-Harlem Sunset especially. That book seemed to come together so easily, and required minimal edits. It was my dream book-baby.
I did copyedits while watching the pro-shot of Diana The Musical. That is irrelevant.
I had Harlem Sunset done in months. Done and dusted.
It hasn’t taken me over a year to write a book since I was like seventeen.
I know every writer goes through this. Everyone who does any thing goes through this: things aren’t easy to do.
And I’m sitting here, in an apartment, creating people who will either be murdered or solve murder. (And dance. They all dance.) This thing is harder because it’s all in my head and then I have to write it down and make sure it makes sense. It’s a lot.
It’s growing pains. I know that. It’s growing pains for me and my best friend Lou, who has been going through some shit of her own.
I keep saying I went through some Big Swings in this book. I did a lot of things I didn’t have to do. Early in my drafting, I thought that I should scrap it and stick with what I know.
But that wouldn’t be growth.
Running back to my sweet, comfortable spot wouldn’t challenge me. And although it’s been hard, I’ve been allowing myself to fall in love with new places and new characters. I’ve been diving into new situations and it’s been great.
It’s also important to challenge Lou, or else, like why is she the main character? I want her to be able live a full and exciting life.
Again, I’m really short, so I’m not used to growing pains. I didn’t do that much growing when I was a kid.
So I’m gonna get my compass, sit down and finish this book.
And I’m going to make my eight-year-old self proud.
Ughhhhh so much sympathy (and empathy because I've been there)! I love this though:
"Running back to my sweet, comfortable spot wouldn’t challenge me. And although it’s been hard, I’ve been allowing myself to fall in love with new places and new characters. I’ve been diving into new situations and it’s been great.
"It’s also important to challenge Lou, or else, like why is she the main character? I want her to be able to live a full and exciting life."
These challenges will get both you and Lou to a better place, or at the very least you'll have learned some things. Can't wait to read A Lethal Lady!!
I hear you and know a little something of your struggle because I'm there sometimes, too. One step at a time and you'll eventually get where you're supposed to be, even if that place isn't where you think you ought to be. And remember to reward yourself. Take breaks. Be grateful for the little or simple things. They can go a long way on days when the goal seems unobtainable. I enjoy your writing and want to see what else Lou and other characters get up to in your world. Keep on keeping on, Nekesa! From one writer to another, I'm rooting for you.